Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Eau de Bleurgh

Oh man, I have really neglected my blogging of late! Aside from some personal dramas, I lost a bit of motivation (I am currently trying to write a 100,000 word PhD thesis) and couldn't bear to write anything- not even my daily rants :( I still kept them going in my head, though...

Somehow, the personal shit has managed to sort itself out (for now...) and I feel inspired to start spewing forth my obnoxious thoughts on pretty much anything that piques my interest :)

Let's begin with celebrity fragrances, shall we? You might know them as the perfumes that get discounted to $29 a bottle approximately 2 months after their release. Their marketing people are clever enough to know that groupies will pay full price and everyone else will wait to pick them out of the bargain bin. Every corner I turn, there's another B-grade celebrity flogging their newest "fragrance". The first one I ever remember coming out was J.Lo's "Glow".

Is she as small as the bottle or is the bottle as big as her?

She advertised it in every fucking fashion/style/gossip magazine that had more than a 100-person reader base and we were subjected to this ridiculous picture of her all naked, soft-focussed a la Days of Our Lives (stocking over the camera lense) self for goddamn months on end. Just when I thought it was all over, she pumped out a new version of "Glow" and the self-promotion started ALL OVER AGAIN. Whether this started the celebrity fragrance epidemic or I was simply oblivious to them previously because they were advertised 100x less than J.Ho, I do not know. However, to me it seemed to spawn an unending trend to the point where HALF of all perfumes sold in stores are named for fauxlebrities. Let us examine a few for your reading (dis)pleasure:

1. Kim Kardashian's "Gold"
Official fragrance description: An oriental floral fragrance for contemporary women.
My assessment: First of all: RACIST. If I called someone an "oriental" I'd be lynched and beaten with chopsticks*. Secondly, if "comtemporary" means "likes to make sex tapes for public viewing" and "revels in own vapid personality", then, yes, I suppose it really IS for contemporary women.

2. Justin Beiber's "Someday"
Official fragrance description: Perfumer Honorine Blanc of Fiermenich created the fragrance as a delicious fruity – gourmand, appropriate for the age [girls from 14 to 18 years old] of its expected audience.
My assessment: Team Bieber are making no pretence of this perfume being appealing to anyone under the age of 18. Tick. They have recruited a respected fragrance expert. Tick. They produce a fragrance aimed at floral-loving, innocent, young girls instead of the batshit-crazy, rabid group of animals that threaten ANY girl who stands within a five metre radius of The Biebs with violence and death threats. FAIL.**

3. Mariah Carey's "Forever"
Official fragrance description: Its main theme and composition represents Mariah’s moments of happiness. Her wedding, a new album from the beginning of September and a new movie from November 2009 are surely a great motive for joy and good mood.
My assessment: I have never seen Mariah Carey act. But a quick google of "Glitter" tells me that this is not something I should ever subject myself to. Mariah was huge in the 90s but her star faded when the likes of Bertney (sic) and other tween pop sensations burst onto the scene. Not sure how her marriage is going but her music and movie career are basically dead (aside from a stint on American Idol or The Voice or some shit) so perhaps you should name your next perfume "Milking It".

Rant over.

*Ignoring the fact that I am, myself, "oriental".

**On second thought, I just looked up the definition for gourmand: A gourmand is a person who takes great pleasure in food; a person given to excess in the consumption of food and drink; a greedy or ravenous eater. Perhaps the desciption is more apt that first thought.

No comments:

Post a Comment